This post is revisited from my old blog Lock Stock & Barrel. I am migrating (one blog post at a time) over to WordPress because apparently it’s pretty cool…and I agree!

28th October 2011

Dear all,

The time has come, blog 3!

When I started this blog business ohhhh…two weeks ago now (she says distantly like she can only just recall that very first click of the ‘post’ button), I made a promise to myself that I would hit that post button at least once a week. Ugh who pressed fast forward on the remote control of life? No, seriously who did it and can you please just press stop…or pause…or something! Anything but play or fast forward would be good because while writing this I only have two days left to keep from breaking my promise and nothing seems to be funny anymore! This is catastrophic because, unfortunately, I don’t know anything useful or knowledgeable and so I can’t part with any pearls of wisdom. That’s why the blog is supposed to be funny! OK breathe, count to ten and start again.

This right here is blog three and, as you might be able to tell from my opening rant and ramble, things are hotting up a bit, well actually quite a lot. So much so in fact you could probably fry an egg on me but I’m not saying that out loud else my husband will try it. He’s very practical minded. My current position is this; I have declared to a small fraction of the population (I like to refer to them as my friends and family and their friends and family) that my book will be available to e-books via Amazon at the beginning of November 2011. I now have four days to go until the said beginning of November 2011 and I have an 86,000 word novel to read through for like the millionth time and approximately ninety-six hours to get the hang of this damn punctuation business. Oh how I wish I’d listened in English…as well as French, and maths, and geography and…Oh how I wish I’d listened! It’s strange because my theory behind not listening in maths was, ‘When am I ever going to need algebra? For French my theory was, ‘How am I ever going to afford to go to France, I can’t even afford the bus home from school?’ As for English language, what was I thinking? Your guess is as good as mine on this one. How about, ‘When will I ever need to know how to construct a sentence and punctuate it correctly?’ No, that doesn’t really work does it?

So, basically, it’s too late to look back now and I’m running out of time! On Sunday a good friend said to me, ‘Why don’t you self publish and get some paperback books ready for when you upload to Amazon?’ I nodded trying to do maths in my head and failing miserably. I looked kind of like I’d been given some very bad news and I was trying to come to terms with it whilst only just keeping from crying. On Wednesday another friend said ‘Why don’t you have a launch party where the paperback books can be available and then sign all the first copies? The money you make can pay for the first print run and probably cover some of the second print run!’ let me tell you I was excited. In my head I’d opened up my own Waterstones! I repeat, I have four days and it is 4.45pm on Thursday already. I still need to go to Wacky Warehouse before dinner because I promised the kids! Where’s that blinking remote?

I sat down and thought long and hard about what I was going to do yesterday morning and the long, short, thin and wide of it is that I’m going to go for it (not opening my own Waterstones that’s just silly, I’ll never get that done before the end of November! Come on be realistic!) No, I’m going to push back the upload to Amazon to perhaps the middle or end of November but the aim is still definitely for November. I have enlisted the services of my friend, Tracy, today. Poor her! She was the woman I worried sick with my annoyingly laid back and eleventh-hour attitude when she served as my maid of honour. Bless her, I recall that look of shock and the slight protest she made when I insisted on arranging all of my own flowers and bouquets the evening before the big day. She paled when I insisted on decorating the venue the very morning of the ceremony but she absolutely and unmistakably drew the line at preparing the buffet. Try as I might she just wouldn’t budge on that one! I am pleased to say that she has once again agreed to help me, with the arrangements for the launch not another wedding, and I can’t thank her enough. This evening I am also going to try and talk another friend, Heather, around. She has no idea (he he) she thinks she’s coming round for dinner but I’m buttering her up with a curry (not literally that’s just plain kinky and wrong).

I must confess I felt a little overwhelmed for a time yesterday and then I thought…and what about the blog? By the way I’m trying for as many different ways to corrupt and abuse the laws of punctuation so keep note all those avid English language enthusiasts for whom my errors are glaringly obvious. I know they’re there I just don’t know where they are!

In true ‘me’ fashion, and those of you who are friends of mine on Facebook will already know from my status updates, I decided that struggling for time, inspiration and sanity, seemed like as good a time as any to paint my bedroom. I have a book that needs to be ready for publishing in a week’s time and rather than read it and make sure everything is where it should be I decided to do some DIY. It’s like being at uni all over again! Hmmm I have an essay to do, the deadline is in two days, but that kitchen cupboard really needs organising…like…right now! Bedroom looks fab though, deep purple and…some other colour. Looks well sexy! I was really pleased until my husband said ‘that’s brilliant, Jess, I’m really proud look you didn’t get any paint on the floor!’

And yes of those of you who are wondering I did manage to get accepted into a university having left school with only two GCSE’s, an ‘A’ in drama and a ‘C’ in English Literature. Even more surprising, I graduated three years later with an LLB Law degree. Am I a mystery or what? Do I challenge every school of thought out there? Yes I am and yes I do!

As for the blog, I thought why not keep everyone updated of my progress towards the ‘Live November’ deadline, which I have only just labelled my impossible mission.

PS this kids play area I am currently writing my blog in is manic, man! I’m getting a headache. Some child keeps shouting ‘Mum, mum. Look at me. Look at me.’ I wish her mum would pay attention and answer her and then she might stop yelling and distracting me! Oh I just realised she’s my child and if I don’t get her down from the huge pink suspended ball she’s currently hanging from all the blood is going to rush to her head. It’s time for me to go in, in my knee high boots and fairly short dress. I’m so not dressed for this. I think I might get arrested. What’s the sentence for indecent exposure these days, does anyone know? I should know really as I studied law but then, once again, I don’t appear to have been listening.

I know what you’re thinking (no not that it’s rude and not very friendly). You’re thinking I should be watching my children in the play area and I am, honestly I am, but I am also writing my blog at the same time. It’s that or watch the play area constantly being careful not to watch someone else’s child for too long and seem like a weirdo. Alternatively I could read the complimentary copy of the Sun newspaper but I don’t feel much like being panicked into believing that aliens have just landed and they are now trying to claim benefits unfairly. Neither do I fancy being made to feel inadequate by the newsworthy spread on page three, just my roast chicken on a Sunday can do that. I’m sure those birds have had work done you know. They regularly feed five adults and six children on a weekend at my house, people would go hungry on mine!

Anyway, enough about chicken breasts and page three models I have a book to publish. Let the countdown commence!

Take care from me,

Jess x